By Alphonsus E.W
When news broke on Friday that the Federal Government was set to inject about N9billion for the production of Cassava bread, the groan from the masses from Maiduguri to Port Harcourt was quite audible. Forget the fact that I may be exaggerating but seriously one wonders why the C-in-C is so enamored, in fact obsessed with this Cassava bread project.
Agege bread is watching and smiling, with arms folded. I admire Agege bread. Its resilience has a certain characteristic that is similar to the masses; defiance and durability. After surviving Aunty Dora’s onslaught with her anti-Potassium Bromate crusade, with the attendant campaign of calumny it endured, it still remains the darling of millions of residents of Nigeria’s commercial capital, Lagos.
Cassava bread
Its resilience reminds me of a certain embattled Governor of a state in the South-South. I didn’t call AMybody’s name o, S-S-So that some people don’t come and pick me up. Methinks Agege Bread seems more than capable of withstanding the Federal might in the form of financial backing for this new bride that is to be foisted on Nigerian palates, plates and tables.
Trusted but anonymous sources in Aso Rock claim that Mr. President’s recent stomach ache had its genesis from the said Cassava bread. Part of the reason for his trip to the UK was to market the new Nigerian Bride, sorry, brand and it was in a bid to make sure that he had cassava-bread scented breath that made him binge on the said product so much that he developed stomach upset. Some breath of fresh bread, sorry fresh air.
If he had trust in the health care system of his country, perhaps he would have taken some Agbo Jedi to ease the stomach discomfort. Famed for its efficacy, that would have added to the authenticity of the Nigerian brand. Sadly Aunty Dora is no longer here with her stethoscope to either check for the fake or otherwise nature of the Agbo Jedi or the overall health of brand Nigeria-Good Peepoo, Great Nation. Poo as in sh*t. It’s a pity that the two women contracted to help out, Madam Ngozi and Aunty Allison have not been able to replicate even half of what this indefatigable Amazon was able to achieve.
Of course, the efficient UK medical system was there to the rescue but our dear shoeless president remained defiant. He had to be held down on the hospital bed as he told all who cared to listen about the viability of the Cassava bread. ‘Nigeria can grow her GDP from cassava bread, employ more people and attract Foreign Direct Investment from this unique product’ he enthused as the doctors and nurses milled around him.
In other related news, Nigerians back home are jittery as to the fate of their staple food; Garium Sulphate. They grumble that their humble diet is about to be challenged by the elite whose recent forays into their culinary terrain would spike the price of Garium Sulphate beyond the reach of the common man, especially the Nigerian common man which is an uncommon specie of human beings.
As things stand, GEJ is not only advocating for increase in cassava bread production but the said fund would be used to train about 3,000 MASTER Bakers! By Jove, that’s quite a motley crowd. New members of the KITCHEN Cabinet, eh? I guess more hands are needed for 2015.
Oya graduates, recruitment things. National Directorate of Employment, SURE-P take note. ASUU can extend the strike ad infinitum, students are getting gainfully employed. With this new development it is another employment portal. With or without university education, Nigerian youths must be gainfully employed. Oga Minister you are quite brilliant o! Phone for farmers, master bakers for cassava bread. Next, project for the siting of cassava plantations all over Nigeria, including Otuoke would be awarded.
Hurray! Boko boys make una agree, nah. If they agree to amnesty, na MASTER bakers amnesty program they go enter. Or maybe, the remaining Niger-Delta militants can be included in the Master-Baking program. Let’s have more hands that can help to bake the National cake, sorry bread.
Meanwhile though, Presido should remember that man shall not live by bread alone…
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